When Your Body Changes and You Feel Like Shit About It
I haven’t felt the best about my body recently. I sat in a chair that I usually sit in, and there was a strange feeling. My hips touched the sides of the chair. It was a snug fit. A couple of months ago, this was not the feeling I had.
I used to be the type of person whose self-esteem was tied to the number on the scale. After some investigating of some kind, it was not so much about the number on the scale but more so about the fit of my clothes. Then at some point recently, it wasn’t even about the fit of my clothes but about everything around me. I feel the arms of chairs on the sides of my hips. Adjusting myself in a chair is no longer as easy as it felt.
I also judge myself on the way I look in the mirror. Stretchmarks I previously didn’t have. A shirt that looked far looser. My face that looks fuller. My legs that made me feel I needed a thigh gap (I would never get) overlapping that never-existent gap. My arms that wobble more and the way I struggle to move as much as I did. I was beginning to hate myself, again.
I stopped. I stopped hating myself. I didn’t start liking myself as quickly, but the hatred stopped in its tracks. There’s this myth that body positive people always love themselves. There are days we don’t. There are days we still want to change things; perfect body parts and look like someone else. Then we realise we are still in the same body. So how do we change that narrative?
Well, I took a long and hard at myself in the bath. Just me and my body. I apologised for the things I felt. I apologised for being hard on myself. I apologised for not investing in self-care- and that includes not taking care of it in a healthy way. I don’t mean a diet. No. I mean listening to it when it was full; moving so I could feel better and not judging it for the way it changed as a result.
So, this (if you are reading) is me saying, stop judging yourself so harshly. You see the changes and you notice the differences. Be kind to your body. Be kind to yourself. You’ve changed, and that’s okay. Your actions towards your body were as a result of how you were feeling but how you are NOW can change that. It doesn’t mean that you need to get on a diet or exercise three times a day. It just means you realise your destructive behaviour and just be calm and listen to yourself.
It takes time, and the healing hurts, but its important learn the destructive behaviours before they take over. If you’re in the same place as I am, lets get through this together. Let’s learn to accept what we have, learn to love what we have and to move past the ideal body type we were governed to want. You are ideal, you are always going to be ideal and you need to care for YOU first.
Let's document our change towards our bodies. I'll keep doing it...